A Choose Your Own Adventure Book, but for Bitches

Posted by Meredith in Advice.

Dear Meredith-

OK, I admit it: I HATE my best friend’s new boyfriend! I’ve been trying to give him a chance, but seriously, he sucks. I thought maybe it was just because I was jealous she was spending time with someone else, but after we all hung out with some friends recently, they also hated him (I did not give them a heads up ahead of time of how I felt). The problem is that he’s rude, inconsiderate, self-centered, and difficult to talk to, and although he’s not physically/verbally abusive, I just don’t think he treats her right.

I’ve kept my mouth shut so far, but now she’s thinking about moving in with him. I don’t want to not be supportive, but I am NOT supportive of this relationship! What should I do?

Worried in Western PA.

Dear Worry-Wart,

Congratulations! Because you’ve put off confronting your BFF about her boyfriend until she’s considering making a contractual commitment with him, no matter what you decide to do, you’re going to come off as a bitch in the end. Since it’s obviously all about you.

Not convinced? Here’s how it can play out: Let’s say that you invite your friend over for martinis and Star Trek, and you decide to tell her that you think her boyfriend is a douche during one of those interminable Shatnerian Pauses. She could…

… have spent more time with him than you have in low pressure environments where he’s not on trial by some cheap Sex and the City cast knock-off, and realized that he’s actually painfully shy around other people. On the Bitch Scale, where 10 is Paris Hilton and 1 is Lassie (… rimshot), this makes you a 6, by being totally judgmental, impatient, and possibly conspiring and talking shit with the girls behind the happy couple’s back.

… still be in that first blush of romantic lurve, and so completely swept away by the mountains of brain-melting crazy monkey sex she’s still having with this guy that she hasn’t had a chance yet to realize he’s a douche. Bitch Scale: 3. As her best friend, it is one of your responsibilities to make sure she doesn’t make any important decisions while she’s suffering the temporary insanity of a new relationship. Unfortunately, because she’s completely bonkers on her own hormones, she won’t hear a word you say, and probably be mad at you for being totally judgmental and not supportive until her condition wears off.

… actually like douchey guys, and be personally responsible for upholding Nice Guy Syndrome. She might actually be quite happy to be moving in with such a difficult jerk. Bitch Scale: 5. If this is the case, it’s not something brand new that just popped up. She’s fallen for guys like this before, and if she’s really your BFF, you should know this already. So why are you telling her now?

… know perfectly well that he treats her and everyone else like garbage, and be such an emotional basketcase that she thinks she somehow deserves it. Bitch Scale: 8. Dude! Your friend has serious problems! Quit bitching about her boyfriend and get over there with some brownies and tequila and help her. Did you accidentally toss in your priorities when you went to ceremonially burn your compassion at the ritual Bitch initiation bonfire? Get your head out of your butt, realize the boyfriend is a symptom and get your friend to a shrink or a doctor or a bar or something. Do it now, and shut up.

… thank you for your kindness and concern for her well-being, and seriously reconsider her relationship with Assy McGee. Bitch Scale: Pi. An irrational number, get it? Because then you’ll both hop on your unicorns and fly to the land Marshmallow-Rainbow-stan and dance among the happy Bob Ross trees and eat nothing but chocolate that has no calories while world peace and fairy dust sprinkle down from the puffy pink clouds like a refreshing early-spring snow made entirely of ice cream.

Do you get it? You missed your chance to tell her how you feel about her guy, by going and telling your other friends how you feel about this guy and then sitting on it and being all broody and emo. You blew it. You are on a one-way train to Bitchtown, population you and your bitchy coterie, you bitch. The only reason you should say anything at this point is that you think your friendship with her is strong enough to survive you not being liked for a little while. It’s up to you. It’s probably worth mentioning that you do find her boyfriend to be a loser, because it’ll probably get in the way of your friendship later otherwise. You just need to double check that your friendship is strong enough to make it that far. Good luck with that.

Love,

Meredith

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