Oh schadenfreude, oh schadenfreude, much pleasure do you bring me

Posted by Meredith in Advice.

Dear Lucy Advice,

My husband has a nephew who’s started coming to family functions this year. He’s in his 20s and has a history of theft, hard drug use, job loss and long periods without working. My husband usually gets along with everyone on the planet, but considers his nephew “scum” and is very bitter that he has stolen from his grandparents (my husband’s parents) repeatedly over the years. What I need to know is, how am I supposed to treat this nephew when he shows up for Christmas? It feels like he comes around for handouts and might well be ripping things off while he uses the bathroom. But I’m not used to being so hard-hearted. What attitude should I strive for here?

Thanks.

–There’s family and then there’s family

Dear Family,

I must speak first in defense of 20-somethings everywhere. For this tribe of underemployed, over-aged adolescents, the holidays are indeed a time to look for handouts for even the most solvent and responsible of young adults. The goods, cash and leftovers gathered from family holiday shindigs can sustain both recent college graduates with excellent prospects and notorious felons for months. Please feel free to remember that you’ve done this too, and to get over yourself at your earliest convenience.

Point the second: let’s say a man broke into your house in the middle of the night to steal your stuff. Would you be concerned that he would think you’re a big meanie if you yelled at him to leave while you dialed 911?

Didn’t think so. So, when there is someone strolling in the front door at cocktail hour and you think he’s stealing your stuff, why are you concerned about what other people think of you then? When there is a dude that you feel is compromising the security of your house, you don’t let them in your house. Period. I don’t care if you’re related to him or not; it’s not like you had any control over that. It’s your house. Get in touch with your inner Nancy Reagan and Just Say No.

Then go grab your camcorder. If this nephew is as much of a hot steaming mess as you say he is, he might retaliate against your property. (Since you apparently keep stuff worth stealing in your bathroom, I’m going to assume that you and yours have enough insurance to make this inconvenient and not disastrous.) If he does, call the cops. He probably won’t stick around long enough to get caught, but you’ll have the evidence for the police and plenty of witnesses.

Then, after all this drama is settled out, you can relax with confidence that he’s not going to show up any more. And when that nagging sense of guilt and ambivalence returns, you’ll do well to remind yourself that it’s only because you’re related to that little jerk.

Of course, the really easy solution is to simply avoid the problem entirely and convince some other part of the family to host Christmas, or go out for the holiday and take everyone with you. I really can’t recommend this course of action more highly. If the rest of your family balks at this suggestion, start remodeling your kitchen. A lot of angsty family drama can be squelched if you take it to neutral territory, which is a definite plus of going out for the evening, but even if you just take the party over to Aunt Mildred’s this year, you have the distinct advantage of being able to leave if it all gets to be too much.

And you know what would be really awesome? If you declare that you’re not doing Christmas this year, and come to discover nobody else wants to do it because they don’t want to deal with this little lost lamb, either. Maybe a family conversation will spring up about what to do with this nephew, because your husband’s solution of sitting around be angry all the time might feel satisfying, but it doesn’t seem to be helping much.

Love,

Meredith

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