Issue #1, 11-17 May 2008

Posted by AJ in TV Rewind.

Show: Brothers & Sisters
Episode: “Prior Commitments” (2×16)
You Can Watch It: Sundays at 10pm on ABC

The second season of Brothers & Sisters closed with a boom—a baby boom. Saul’s outing of himself and the Kevin/Scotty wedding were both completely overshadowed by the news of even more WWIs (William Walker Infidelities). It seems as though our not-so-dearly departed William had not one, but two mistresses (at least). While Rebecca found out three episodes ago that she is not his lovechild after all (“Double Negative,” 2×14), Kevin ditched his new groom on their wedding night to help Sarah put together clues surrounding that damn photo of the mystery baby. It seems William had a son named Ryan, and now Sarah thinks that finding him will be the legal loophole she was looking for to get Holly out of Ojai’s business literally and forever. In subplots news, Justin and Rebecca finally started talking again and have officially ended their brother/sister relationship in favor of something far more intriguing: making out. At least the writers dealt with the fake incest thing directly instead of denying the fact that Rebecca and Justin getting together—despite the fact that we all wanted them to—is awkward. Otherwise, the whole thing could have gotten a little As-the-World-Turns-y.

Conclusions:
The Walkers: Still dysfunctional and loving with more gay points.

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Show: The Hills
Episode: “The Next Move Is Yours” (3×28)
You Can Watch It: Mondays at 10pm on MTV

The third season of The Hills came to a predictable close this week. Pretty rich girl who has it all, including once-in-a-lifetime opportunities being dropped at her feet, chooses staying with her dirtbag boyfriend over a smart career move. Heidi ditched her own boss while on an important business trip in Las Vegas for Spencer, who showed up during a business dinner to try to win her back. The episode ended with a shot of the couple (and Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, who no one cares about) riding down an escalator together while the Bolthouse bosses departed from the hotel in their limo. This was predictable because we’ve seen this ending before, just with a different character. In season one, LC gave up a chance to fly off to Paris for Teen Vogue to stay at a summer house with Jason “I’ve got a record” Wahler. However, Lauren got to undo her mistake during this very season when she was again given the chance to go to Paris, which she rightly chose over staying because of her feelings for quasi-boo Brody. As the Heidi/Spencer plot seems to be following the scripts of the LC/Jason relationship of seasons past, it is highly probable that Heidi will get a chance to right this wrong with the people at Bolthouse in future episodes…mostly so Bolthouse can get some more free publicity. In periphery character news: Justin Bobby’s new haircut makes him look like Templeton the rat from Charlotte’s Web, and Audrina’s growing feelings of resentment for Lo made LC cry when LC confronted her token brunette friend about the fact that Audrina did not come into the main house to eat crabs the night before.

Conclusions:
Heidi: co-dependent and easily manipulated; LC: needs to invest in waterproof mascara; Audrina: crab-free.

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Show: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU)
Episode: “Cold” (9×19)
You Can Watch It: Tuesdays at 10pm on NBC

Semi-newcomer Detective Chester Lake stirred up some serious drama for the ninth season finale of SVU this week. While working a ten-year-old cold case from back when he was in Brooklyn, Lake shot his lead suspect—and a member of New York’s finest—dead. Benson, Munch, and Tutuola threw themselves into proving Lake’s innocence while Stabler took on the role of serious skeptic and placed himself in harm’s way when he accused Tutuola of aiding Lake in his escape. “Harm’s way” being Tutuola’s fists and Olivia’s disapproving looks. Between hostage situations, snipers, random cops from Philly, and the lack of any involvement from IAB, things were beyond hectic throughout the night. The season ended with a handcuffed Lake being escorted away from a crime scene for the dead body of the other lead suspect in Lake’s cold case—another cop. Cliffhanger, much? But honestly, who has time to get angry over a little suspense here and there when we FINALLY get to celebrate the possible disbarment and at a minimum year’s suspension of Assistant District Attorney Casey “I’m the most annoying cast member in the history of television” Novak. I think I will gloat for the rest of the summer if you don’t mind.

Conclusions:
Lake: chaffed wrists; Detectives who Lake accused of raping and murdering a young girl ten years ago: dead; Novak: should ask LC where to get a good waterproof mascara.

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Show: The Real World: Hollywood
Episode: “I Need Lovin’” (20×05)
You Can Watch It: Wednesdays at 10pm on MTV

Finally, a show that hasn’t abandoned us yet AKA did not air a finale this week. Despite Joey’s departure for rehab (“Joey’s Intervention,” 20×04), there has not been a decline in the number of fights amongst the housemates. Therefore, I must conclude that the number of housemates is not directly proportional to the amount of drama per episode. Greg and what I hope was a drunk Dave had a bro fight in the streets that involved the phrases “How was your fashion show?” and “You shoulda been there,” as well as a pink shirt. Kim got plastered and writhed around on the kitchen floor to get Dave’s attention off of a girl with a frog face and a glitter belt and back onto her. Will played some beats for “real rapper” Sticky Fingaz. Brianna refrained from getting “ghetto” as Kim calls it, but pissed off Sarah when she proceeded to have relations with everyone’s favorite bar skeeze JoJo while Kim and Sarah were still awake. Sarah’s mother told her to read the bible and saturate herself in the words, which Sarah took to mean, “Wear a slutty dress to a local televangelist church and stage an incredibly fake apology to Brianna later.” Oh, and we learned from Dave that Kim does not have “cute feet.”

Conclusions:
Rehab: Five more beds, please. Will can stay.

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Show: ER
Episode: “The Chicago Way” (14×19)
You Can Watch It: Thursdays at 10pm on NBC

You know, every single year at the end of yet another season of ER, I say to myself, “That was seriously effed up. There is no way another season finale could be as effed up as this one.” And then the writers spend the next nine months or so thinking of ways to prove me wrong. This year instead of a shootout (see the season 12 finale—I got gray hairs because of that one), they blew up an ambulance—and we have no idea who was on it. The ambulance was transporting some Feds and Steve Buscemi’s mob-lawyer-turned-informant character to a secure location, and either Sam or Pratt was supposed to ride along. Abby was returning to County after taking a stroll with her now un-estranged husband Luka, and was right next to the explosion. So the season ends with the lives of at least two cast members hanging in the balance, which is wonderful news since all the characters had just entered “my life is really coming together” periods in their arcs. However, two good things came out of this episode: Morris made a love connection with an escort whose mother died in his care, and the writers did not pull an Amy Sherman-Palladino on us (see Gilmore Girls’ Luke and Lorelai). While they did abuse our feelings by breaking apart the couple everyone has been longing to see get back together again for years and live happily ever after, they did not make them stay broken. They put them back together. Granted, one of them could be dead or at least severely injured—and, come to think of it, if they pull some amnesia BS with us, I will be forced to make some very serious empty threats in an upcoming installment of TV Rewind.

Conclusions:
Abby and Luka: staying together for more than just the kid; Pratt and Sam: one of them is dead, the other one is developing a severe case of survivor’s guilt and will probably use the line “It should have been me on that rig!” quite a bit next season.

Until next week, dear readers. Don’t forget to be kind and read your weekly TV Rewind!

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