25 Things About Myself That I Probably Shouldn’t Share.

Posted by Jaki in The Opposite of Advice.

This was passed to me by some friends and I figured it’s a nice easy way to introduce myself to you.

1. If I am depressed, sad or menstrual I will sit and eat bowls and bowls of black olives.

2. I believe the purpose of language is about conveying concepts, thoughts and ideas.  As long as you are understood by your intended audience, I don’t care about formal punctuation and grammar rules.  There are a few exceptions to this rule like formal announcements, education or professional pursuits for example.  But I love vernacular, slang, internet speak and cursing because they are proof that language rules are fluid.   This opinion often makes me unpopular with English majors but I’m a Humanities major so they can take a bite outta my big black ass.  I find that many people who discount others because of poor grammar and punctuation are A) classist,  B) ellitist,  C) assholes, D) insecure about their own abilities or E) all of the above.   Just because someone isn’t the best writer or editor doesn’t means they don’t have valid ideas to share.

3. I am sexually attracted to people who identity as queer, gay, trans, bisexual, lesbian or other.  I’m not interested in straight men anymore.  I did have a pesky habit of falling for straight women for a while but I think that’s over.  I think.

4. I also find I gravitate towards people who are loud, obnoxious, opinionated, highly intelligent, sexually liberated (read: sluts or former sluts) who self-identity as dorks, nerds, losers, weirdos and bitches.  Birds of a feather?  And in order to be a close friend of mine you need to be easily shocked but open minded or completely unflappable yet amused.

5. I get told on a semi-daily basis that I need to have kids because I’m married now and that’s my job.  Listen up.  I’m on fairly reliable birth control, I’m pro-choice and I’m scheduled to begin consultation for sterilization when I hit 28.  NO FUCKING BABIES.  I gave you all the other legitimate reasons why I say this but here is a new one: I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I don’t think a parent can ever full protect their child from that type of thing and for my own sanity I’m not willing to try.

6. My husband and I wear the same size clothes for everything except pants.  This works wonderfully for me because I’ve just doubled my wardrobe.  It does backfire though.  Our jeans sizes are just close enough that I’ll find a pair in the dryer and try to squeeze into them.  Then I’ll go through a 45 minute tirade about gaining weight or about the drying shrinking my clothes before Shawn appears like, “Um… those are mine.”  Then I just wanna rip his pretty face open like those raptors from Jurassic Park.

7. I am the most non-competitive person on the planet.  Games seem pointless to me, especially sports.  Why the hell would I run around in a circle while people chase me?  For points?  What the hell are points?  Maybe for doughnuts or something tangible but then I’d probably just talk myself out of wanting whatever the prize was.  I take no more joy in winning than I do in losing.  The only sport I ever enjoyed was Karate.  I made it up to brown belt before my parents couldn’t afford the lessons anymore.  I even got second place in a tournament.

8. Once upon a time, I was a Christian.  Now, I’m a bitter atheist.   I feel cheated out of so many opportunities to sin.  Thus, my newest mission is to commit as many sins as possible while staying out of prison.  Rest assured, I will not go on a murder spree anytime soon.  I’ve watched far too much CSI and I know I’m too lazy to plan anything out that extensively.  Gloves, drop clothes, cover your shoes, don’t drop any hairs, no blood splatter, clean and dispose of the weapon, hide the body and have and alibi?  Forget it.  No one is worth that much trouble.  I’d rather punch you in the face.

9.  I probably would have stayed a Christian if I hadn’t discovered I was bisexual.  Nowadays, I identity as queer since what I like is a lot more complicated that it was years ago.  However, even though I have been romantically and sexually involved with women for a while there is still a tiny little voice inside my year that whispers, “This is wrong.  This is a sin.”  Years of conditioning are hard to break.  Not sure if it will ever go away completely but I’m happy that it’s much quieter than before.

10.  I want a dog.  I want a dog so much that I continually talk myself out of getting my dog.  Instead, I go to pet stories and buy supplies for the dog that I don’t have.  I’ve read every training book from Cesar Millian to Puppies for Dummies.  I want to be a good owner so bad that I’m scared to try and fuck it up.

11. I can’t cook.  Even with a recipe.  Even with supervision.  I was in high school before I knew how to boil water.  That being said, I’ve very adventurous about food and I honestly can’t think of one food I’ve tried that I didn’t enjoy enough to eat again.  This makes me the perfect person to test new recipes on but it makes me the worst person to ask about whether something tastes good.  But the fastest way to my heart is seafood of any type.

12. I used to want to be a sex therapist and I’ve unofficially become one for a few of my friends.  The reason I can’t do it for a living is that I refuse to sugarcoat things.  If I think you’re being an ass, I reserve the right to tell you.  Then laugh.  I give this disclaimer to the folks who come to me and so far they don’t mind.  Maybe I should charge them.

13.  When I’m angry, I cry a lot.  This leads people to want to hug me and that’s usually when I punch them in the face.  When I’m sad, I have violent rages and I just need someone brave enough to calm me down and hold me.  So far, one person has been able to understand this about me.  I married him.

14.  I have done everything humanly possible to my hair: dreadlocks, mohawk, long, short, permed, relaxed, jheri curl, braids, weave, wigs, insane colors and bald.  I still can barely comb it and I have no idea how to do anything except elaborate head wraps.

15. I want to be girly but I’m unwilling to put the effort into it.  I consider my personal style: Cleavage, Flannel and Tight Jeans.

16. I think I might be narcoleptic.  I have the ability to fall asleep anywhere and I have.  While driving, at work, standing in line, during sex, on the toliet, while eating, you name it.  I’ll be talking and then someone is waking me up.  I should probably get that checked out.

17. Until I was 12, I had an invisible friend named Janet who lives in a house with her parents and her cat named Devil which looked suspiciously like my cat Angel. Janet was not imaginary but she was shy so no one noticed her except me. Our main game was called Landslide where we’d build Lego houses in the backyard and waited for the rain to wash them away.

18. I have no career goals and my romantic life is pretty solid right now.  The one goal I have for my life is to live in a house with a dungeon.  I mean, fully furnished, set up with suspension equipment and large enough to host parties.

19. I have boxes and boxes of books I have no intention of re-reading just in case someone comes by and says, “Do you have a copy of Homer I can borrow?”  I feel this is my duty.  I also can not throw a book away if it is ruined.  I’ll keep the tattered pages until they are shredded so much that I can’t tell what book they used to be.

20. This is my opinion about clubs or parties.  You either come to socialize, to dance or to drink.  I don’t understand why people go out if they don’t drink, they don’t dance and they don’t want to talk to anyone there.  All you people who are lined up against the wall like it’s a middle school dance?  Stay your ass home.  Me?  I’ll be over here doing all three and probably throwing a little bit of some extra stuff in the mix as well.  Side note: I make a party.  It’s just natural for me.  I am the best drunk in Earth.  I’ll talk to anyone and I have no problem getting other people to dance.  When in doubt, you should invite me.  No, seriously.  You really should.

21. I don’t believe in God, angels, fairies or magic but I have a zombie survival plan that I’m ready to implement at a moment’s notice.  I haven’t completely decided about ghosts which is why I have a firm policy called: Leave Them The Hell Alone.  Everyone who has come to my house seems convinced that there is a ghost in my house so I have to remind them of this policy.  No seances or Ouiji board or anything of the sort.  If it wants to watch me eat popcorn while watching the L Word, that’s fine by me.  No harm, no foul.

22. I collect teddy bears because they remind me of the good parts of my childhood.  Everyone who loves me should know that about me.  I still have all the important teddy bears of my life and they all have names like Malcolm, Barnabee and Cuddlefluff.

23. I think there are a million ways your life can go and while I don’t believe in fate I do believe in the most probable path.  My other probable path would have been me being the stay-at-home wife of a minister with several children.  The other path is me being a lesbian living on the west coast in a commune.  I can actually see the point in my life where I didn’t make the decision that would have led me there.  It’s like walking past an open door in a hallway but getting a glimpse of what’s inside.

24. I am full of ideas for movies, books, songs and I plan them in my head almost to completion.  Then before I can write them down, I come up with a new idea which pushes the old one out.  Lack of a pen, laziness and general forgetfulness are the reason I haven’t done have the things I talk about.

25. I say I want to be a writer but I keep stopping my stories just before the climax.  I know how I want it to end.  I work for weeks up to that point, building elaborate backgrounds, character histories and motivations.  I get the scene and get right to the point that I was waiting for then I pause.  I think it’s because I like the story so much that I don’t want it to end.  Then I usually wait a week, re-read it and decide it’s trash before deleting it.  This has been my habit and it’s getting much harder to break.

The Opposite of Advice |