My vagina is not appropriate for children.

Posted by Jaki in The Opposite of Advice.

Shawn and I decided we aren’t having kids.  More than a few reasons but it honestly boils down to selfishness.  I want to have the least amount of responsibility possible.  I don’t want to change my body that way.  I want to have lots and lots of sex without a consequence or a curfew.  I want to be able to spend my money on myself and the people I choose.  I don’t want a child as a legacy.  I want to be my own legacy.  Also, kids come out of your coochie and that will never stop sounding disgusting to me.  I mention this because we were at his Grandmother’s 80th birthday party last weekend.  We’re all drinking a little and I’m telling some embarrassing story about Shawn to his siblings.  Shawn, now beet-ass-red, tried to explain himself and his brother starts one of those slow sarcastic claps.  The kind that say, “Way to go, fuckhead!”  Shawn’s laughing and glaring at me so he puts me in a headlock.  Around this time, the second half of the table, who hadn’t heard the joke looks down at us.

“Why is everyone clapping?”

“They’re having a baby!”

Oh.  My.  God.  The entire family went through about 15 emotions at once.  There was a range from sheer horror to unbridled joy.  Get this picture in your head?  Shawn has me in a headlock and I’m drunk.  YAY WE’RE HAVING A BABY! It took a while to correct everyone. I stood up and make that frantic cut throat motion while Shawn was stammering a lot.  Fun times.

Shawn and I laughed about the reactions in the car.  His aunt said, “Now is the time for mixed babies with Obama in office!”  Yes, because mixed babies born before this were throwaways.  Another good reaction was, “Whatever you do, don’t call him Hussein!”  You mean, you wouldn’t let little Stalin Hussein come to the family barbeque?  If this was the Offensive Olympics, you’d win the gold.  I really like, “If God wants you to have a baby, you will have a baby.”  It’s usually said in a vaguely threatening way.  So, you’re saying God is going to rape me?  Wow.  And I don’t know what kinda deal he struck with Mary but I’m not interested.  Eternal damnation?  Pfft, I’m pretty sure I’m in the VIP section.  My personal favorite is, “You HAVE to have babies!  They will be so cute!”  Yes, thank GOD we won’t have regular nigger babies!  Those things are horrible!

Can we stop treating multi-ethnic children like they are magical leprechauns?  Having “pretty” kids isn’t reason enough to have kids.  Just what does that say about the other children?  Dark kids want to be light.  Light kids want to be dark.  “Pretty” kids wants to looks “normal.”  “Normal” wishes desperately to be beautiful.  Way to give everyone a fucking complex.  Having grandchildren for your parents isn’t reason enough.  My mom had her kid.  She made her decision.  I can make mind.  Because your partner wants to isn’t reason enough.  Shawn wants kids?  He damn well better figure out which cavity they are coming out of because it ain’t any on my body.  Because someone else isn’t able to get pregnant isn’t reason enough.  I don’t have shit to do with someone else’s reproductive process.  Reason enough is, you want to have children.  If you have been in the room with a child who is unwanted and unloved for less than a minute, it shows.  It’s the most heartbreaking thing in the world to see.  People who have children because they are “just supposed to” make me livid beyond words.  If I ever decide to have children, it will be because I want to.  And if one more person tells me I’ll change my mind in that condescending tone, I’m going to reach up inside my vagina and throw my uterus at them.

I would, however, like a dog that I can dress in a sweater.  Go figure, right?

The Opposite of Advice |