So You’ve Been Told You’re Racist…

Posted by Jaki in The Opposite of Advice.

I’m told I am a scary person to be around because people (read: whites) are terrified of saying something offensive to me. That’s understandable. I don’t like being offensive to people I like. I don’t understand why people who supposedly want to hang out with me are so terrified of being in my presence. I have never lashed out physically at anyone because they said something offensive. In fact, the majority of the time I’ll simply disagree with the statement. My usual response is, “Wow, that’s offensive.” followed by a brief explaination. At this point, someone usually spends the next twenty minutes explaining why I shouldn’t be offended by what they said. If there is a surefire way to make me more angry it is to tell me why I’m not allowed to be angry. Everyone is allowed their reactions. If you are someone who wants to be around me, you should at least acknowledge my anger instead of rushing in to invalidate it. Something like, “I understand you are angry and I apologize for upsetting you.” Notice you don’t have to apologize for what you said if you really truly believe you didn’t do anything wrong. The problem is, when it’s a racial issue, the person usually understands exactly why it’s offensive. The fact of the matter, it’s not about the topic being offensive that is the scary part. Most people can handle being considered offensive. They apologize and move on. The thing that is scary is being seen as a racist.

You see, a racist is a person who walks around with a big hood on throwing rocks at minorities. They can’t possibly be racist! The thing they said can’t be offensive to a black person because that means it’s racist. Since they can’t be racist, it’s not offensive. Jaki, get over it. It’s not that serious. I didn’t mean it like that. People say that all the time and it doesn’t bother you. Look, you’re too sensitive. Let me clue you in. When someone says something racially insensitive, mentally I try to find a way to fix it. You read that right. Angry Negro Lady wants to give you the benefit of the doubt. In a split second I go through all the excuses in my head and I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only minority who does this. In my head I think, “Maybe they didn’t mean it that way? Should I let this slide? Maybe it’s not that serious. Should I get over it? I’m probably being too serious.” I weigh those thoughts against my feelings and I have to make a decision. I have to decide if it’s worth it. Is it worth it to speak up and potentially change this relationship forever? Do I feel like correcting this? How involved a conversation do I feel like having about race with this person? Am I having the short Cliff Notes version or the full Intermediate Racial Studies course answer which includes study materials and homework assignments. Once you admit to being offended, to having feelings at all, you have to sit there while someone just picks them apart. Someone tells you all the little ways you’re wrong and how they know you better than you know yourself. They know your history. Being called that word doesn’t hurt you at all. That stereotype is true for someone they know so why don’t you just admit the truth. The truth being you aren’t allowed to be upset. You being offended is less important than their comfort. Your feelings are less important than them being seen as not racist.

White people got the first half of the lesson. Dr. King doesn’t want you to be racist. Gold star for paying attention in class. Here is the second half: If you say or do something racist, you can stop. Racist isn’t a skin color. It isn’t an inherent quality that is unchangeable. You can make an effort and that effort starts when someone tells you, “Um… dude that’s not funny.” All you have to do 90% of the time is say, “Wow, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it.” Then stop fucking doing it. Just stop. Don’t half stop. Cold turkey. Not just around that person because chances are it’s probably offensive to most Black people. Even if it’s not, people like politeness and the majority of people appreciate you making an effort to not be offensive. So if your Oreo friend Mikey likes it when you call him Nigger Boy, well kudos to you. But don’t debate with me about the original definition. Just stop using it. Stop. If you want to not seem like a racist, you should not use racist words. And if you don’t want to appear racist then you should just play it safe. Someone say something is racially offensive, just don’t. Why get into semantics? If you don’t think it’s a big enough deal to be offended by, it shouldn’t be a big deal for you to stop fucking doing it.

I guess the thing that bothers me so much is, if you think I’m so fragile that you have to tiptoe around me and my feelings, then why do you even want a friendship with me? If I’m the main character in “The Girl Who Cried Racist” then why would you subject yourself to that type of company? Because me being offended at you doesn’t have to end the world. Doing or saying something racist doesn’t have to be the end of your life. Fix it. Stop being afraid of it. Learn from it and take that lesson with you. Translate it to other areas of your life. Because maybe you’re the person is too fragile. Maybe you’re overreacting? It’s not that serious, people. Get over it.

The Opposite of Advice |