the “b-word” is the other “c-word”

Posted by Sara in Weddings.

I have pretty much accepted that weddings cost money, if you choose to go the more “traditional” route. Do I think it’s fair? No, not necessarily, but at the same time, I’m also so sick and tired of hearing people talk about the commercialism of weddings, that weddings are this huge extravaganza and they’re over the top and indulgent. I’m tired of feeling like I have to apologize or be embarrassed because we had a wedding with a larger guest list, at a nice reception hall, and that I wore a pretty (albeit NOT poofy) ivory dress and veil.

Here’s the thing: no shit weddings are extravagant and over-the-top. In most places, this has been the norm since the beginning of time. All cultures have some strange fanfare or ritual tied to marriage, whether it be used as a very elaborate handshake between two businessmen (”you give me your pretty daughter and I’ll give you 100 acres of prime land”), or as a way for a man to celebrate his conquest of his virginal property (”bring out the wedding night bedsheets for all to see!”), and when you put it in the perspective of the ways marriage has been treated in the past, it’s not all that bad.

Do I agree with the attitudes of a lot of brides getting married now? Not necessarily. But the thing is, I don’t think it’s just the white dress that’s making these girls superficial.

I think in most cases where a wedding involves a prima donna bratty bride, the girl is a prima donna bratty woman to begin with. These woman were the same bitches in high school who made prom THE event of junior and senior year, and generally were the ones who batted their eyes at some upperclassman they could care less about just so they could have the chance to pick out fancy dresses for a couple more years.

These are the same women who feel the need to go to the gym in cute matching gym outfits, with make up fully on. These are the women with the year-round tans, the full regalia of “club” clothes, the women with the best looking boyfriend and most superficial relationship.

No shit their weddings are going to be big, overindulgent, and over-the-top. That’s how they live the REST of their life, too!!!

The backlash for the wedding industry is understandable, to an extent. It is ridiculous that we get so caught up in the commercialism of the day that we almost forget what the day is about. Case in point: my husband and I almost did not have our marriage license in time for the wedding. It wasn’t that we (i.e., *I*) forgot– it was just that we didn’t pay attention to the rules of how long it would take to get it and if it weren’t for the fact that the woman behind the counter at the courthouse was (somewhat) sympathetic, we would have had a big ol’ party to celebrate the fact that we were still “not married, but together,” like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.

But once again, commercialism surrounds everything. It was September and I was buying last minute things for my wedding and Macy’s already has their Christmas decorations up. We are born and bred on the fanfare of “special events” that are made more “special” by how much money you can spend. We are an indulgent culture, and therefore our rituals have become indulgant. Do I always agree with this practice? No. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes have the desire to parttake.

As most people who know me can attest, I am a pretty low-maintence person. I rarely wear make up, and although I enjoy nice clothes, I only buy them if they’re on super sale, and do not require “the finer things” to be happy. But I had a nice wedding. Some of the decision with our details was based on what I wanted, some were based on the expectations of my family (my grandmother almost DIED when I said that we were going to do the centerpieces ourselves– “but what will people think?” she whimpered. She’s very old school and good at the whole Catholic-guilt-from-a-small-town thing). I felt that my decisions and desires for the day were fair: there were no major specifications for the bridesmaid’s hair, my bouquet, or really any of the major details of the day. There were certain things I knew I liked, certain things I didn’t like, and there were things I knew I didn’t want (mainly things I thought were too “over the top” for our wedding).

Granted, I was not a perfect bride, being that I am not a perfect person. There were times when I became frustrated, when I fretted too much on the details, when my then-fiance and I bickered over something stupid, but these are not things that are uncommon for me in my everyday life.

So it shocked me when, albeit it jokingly, a friend called me the “B” word: Bridezilla.

“Oh, don’t be such a Bridezilla, like the girls on that show!!”

I knew she was joking, but that just struck a major nerve.

Throughout our lives, we as women are told to empower ourselves, be who we want to be, fight for the things we want, what we desire. We are told to be strong, have an opinion, and like who we are.

But when we do this when it comes to our wedding, our special day, when we voice what we want, we are pushy. When we stand up for the things we like, the things we don’t like, we are being difficult. When we want to feel good about ourselves and feel special, we are, bitchy, bratty. Bridezillas.

I feel like American culture is contradictory: we constantly tell a girl this is HER special day, she can do WHATEVER she wants, but when she does– she’s stepping out of line. To me, Bridezilla carries the same weight as “cunt.” It’s derogatory, disrespectful, and it’s meant to keep a woman in her place.

Like I said before, there are certainly women out there who fit the bill of being Bridezillas, but that doesn’t mean that all women everywhere who are trying to make this day about them IS a Bridezilla.

Brides, don’t let people try to stop you from saying what you want. This is a stressful and emotional event and it’s OK to be overwhelmed. In a month, you won’t care anymore about the difference between cream and champagne, but when you’re in the throws of wedding planning, it’s OK to freak out about this.

Friends of brides, be sympathetic and stop trying to be such catty realists. Is it crazy that your friend is freaking out over whether or not to use chair covers? Slighty… but it would be even weirder if she was debating this for Thanksgiving dinner and not her reception. This is her big day, her big event, and the thing is, if it sucks, it’s her name that’s on the invite. We all appreciate a good ol’ dose of reality, but sometimes we appreciate when you just support us and keep your opinions (or jokey nicknames for us) to yourself.

The rest of the free world: back off the Bridezilla talk. Let’s retire that along with “cool beans,” “metrosexual,” and “eye candy.” It might have been cutesy clever 8 months ago, but now it’s as relevant as jokes about Hillary. Until the next crazy and hilarious bridal catchphrase comes along, let’s agree that some women are bitches, but not all brides are Bridezillas.

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