Newbie. Be gentle.

Posted by Kate G. in US Election 2008.

So, this is my first blog on Lucy. I suppose I could do an intro blog, but who reads them? Not me. I think you’d all get a better idea of who I am through interpretive dance a head-first dive into the pool of crazy that Election ‘08 is rapidly becoming.

When Palin said she was proud that America had such wonderful women’s rights, I nearly vomited all over my television: a knee-jerk reaction that is becoming more common as the weeks pass. Note to self: buy more Tums. After suppressing the bile, I scratched my head and pondered to what rights exactly she was referring in that little buzz-word-laden ramble.

I can’t imagine why she pluralized “rights.” In regards to women’s rights, she seems only to agree with America’s stance that, yes, in fact, women ARE humans and deserve the right to vote. Other major advances, such as Roe v. Wade and comprehensive sex education seem to be as relevant to her as evolution.

But for funsies, let’s step into our time machine and see what “women’s rights” would mean in a Palinocracy, where man and dinosaur co-exist and everyone speaks in tongues.

The right to hunt liberals from a helicopter. With the wolf population bordering extinction, all women have the right to bear arms, in a helicopter, and hunt liberals for sport. Boring WASPs all over the country start having boring, WASP-y sex on liberal-skin rugs.

The right to choose: to scream or not to scream? With a complete repeal of all pro-choice laws protecting a woman’s right to decide whether or not she will grow an egg to term, women’s choices are distilled down to whether or not she wants an epidural. No other choices are necessary, since women don’t get raped or have sex without wanting children. After all, where do you think we came from, apes?!

The right to sexual obliviousness. All comprehensive sex education programs are slashed. Who needs to know what really happens during sex? It’s not like any woman actually HAS it before marriage and should be informed of possible risks and ways to protect themselves (Right, Bristol?). And after marriage, you’re both really bad at it anyway because you haven’t had it; you won’t know what you’re missing. So, start making more little conservative babies, gall-darnit!

The right to paying for your very own rape kit! Be honest with yourself. You were probably asking for it. Why should our hard-earned tax dollars pay for you, because you had the audacity to go to a party or walk alone at night?

The right to vote…republican. Everyone knows that if a woman is running, no matter what side of the aisle she’s on–or how unintelligent she is–women are going to vote for her. As long as a woman is on the Republican ticket God’s Ticket, the woman’s choice is nice and simple for them! Wouldn’t want to strain their brains; baby-making is about all they can handle. That and an occasional aerial massacre of San Francisco.

Makes you all warm & fuzzy, doesn’t it? I think I’m going to book my one-way to Canada now, just in case. I have a feeling there’s gonna be a rush for them…

Well, that’s all I have for now. I’m psyched to be here, and I hope you all enjoy my rants & raves.

US Election 2008 |