Home Front Home: One Girl's Guide to Surviving Your Loved One's Deployment
AJ Star
No one explained to me that "happily ever after" can include a war.
At least not when I was engaged and spending more money than I want to disclose here on those oversized bridal magazines at every Borders I went to for a period of three months. I was 18, a sophomore in college with a pretty sweet rock on my finger, planning my wedding to a United States Marine who was stationed just a few hours away. Top of the world, party of ME!
Aside from the occasional glares and stares from disapproving and jealous peers, I couldn't be touched. I had the total fairytale package, but with just one phone call I was ripped from my Hans Christen Anderson pages and thrust into the middle of something altogether different: the Iraq war. My fiancée had received orders to deploy, and I was, well, fucked.
After 8 months of living with a constant feeling of dread in my stomach and dealing with my random and quite frequent hysterical fits of crying, the inevitable day came. But not before we managed to pull together a very nice patriotic-themed wedding (lots of red, lots of white, lots of blue). And by "we" I mean my mother, who sewed my dress, made my veil, and booked the hall/caterer/musician in less than 3 weeks. A few months later, the day my husband deployed, I stood in a parking lot for hours trying not to cry because the toddler standing next to me was hysterical about her daddy leaving. As the sun was beginning to set (yes, it was a picturesque Lifetime movie moment), I waved goodbye to the back of a charter bus, drove myself home, and stuffed nearly a dozen original glaze Krispy Kremes into my mouth. When I woke up the next morning, I set a countdown clock that had come in some book on how to plan weddings (that I never got to use), and I sat around aimlessly trying to figure out how to make the days go by.
After a few weeks, I got the hang of things. I got used to being alone, to not having my husband around, and to not being able to talk to him whenever I wanted. And after a few months, I became a my-husband-is-deployed-and-I-am-all-alone pro.
As you can see from my ability to string together subjects and verbs, I maintained my sanity and got through it. My husband arrived home in time for Valentine's Day and our 1 year wedding anniversary just like he'd promised before he left. But the war didn't end just because my husband came home. Now I have friends in similar situations asking me how they can get through their own loved one's deployment. So, here are some things everyone can do to survive until their significant other comes home (in no order of importance):
1. Get a calendar.
This is as literal as it sounds. The first thing to do is to get a calendar that will last you throughout the deployment. Try to find one that has the Julian dates printed for each day. This makes it easier for you to calculate your own countdown for the homecoming! The rest of the list elaborates how the calendar can be put to use to help you survive the deployment, but circling that tentative homecoming date will feel insanely satisfying.
2. Make writing letters a habit.
Unfortunately, communication can be sporadic throughout a deployment. It may be three days or three weeks between phone calls or chats on AIM. And things are going to happen anyway--things you are going to want to tell your significant other about. A good thing to do is to start a letter everyday. Write the date and the salutation at the top of a piece of paper. Add to the letter all at once or every time you think of something new you want to say or a story you need to tell. Mail it the next morning or whenever you feel it is ready to be sent. Take pictures constantly and mail them with your letters. Include magazine or newspaper clippings about some of your significant other's favorite things or issues. When all you have to look at is sand and 100 other people wearing the same outfit as you, visuals are a welcome surprise. Plus, it's pretty fun getting to break all the biggest stories to a squad of soldiers--how many days Paris Hilton ended up spending in jail, how many months Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney stayed married, how many games the Miami Dolphins lost in a row. Also, write down when you mail your letters on your calendar and whenever you get a chance, ask your significant other if he or she has an estimate of when it arrived. This will help you work out a schedule that will come in handy when you need holiday cards and care packages to arrive at certain times.
3. Fill up your schedule.
This, too, is as literal as it sounds. Take out your calendar and write something in for every single day. An event or an activity, big or small--it makes no difference. If you are not scheduled to work or go to class, then make plans to run an errand or two or do something with friends or family or alone. Maybe Sunday you will have coffee with a friend, Monday you will rent Step Up 2: The Streets, and Tuesday you will give yourself a manicure. Giving every day a goal of its own will help the days to go by. Book yourself up!
4. Create milestones.
Milestones go hand-in-hand with the idea of filling up your schedule. Landmark events or activities that are placed farther ahead will help you feel like the time is passing by quickly. Anything and everything will do. Things as trivial as a movie release date or important as your mother's birthday. One day you are writing down that the Iron Man sequel comes out in four months and the next--BAM!--you are waiting in line with a couple hundred people to buy tickets. Simple as that.
5. Tune out the news.
I know it's great to be informed and all that jazz, but honestly the key to surviving a deployment is ignorance. It is total bliss. Make a commitment to yourself to not obsess over news stories and headlines involving the war. They will only stress you out and lead to catastrophic thinking. Remind yourself that if there is ever any news regarding your spouse, then you will be informed before the media. You're not going to read anything on CNN.com that you wouldn't have already been told in person days before.
6. Avoid the moto military wives.
"Moto" is military slang for "motivated." It carries negative connotations, essentially describing an overachiever-type of douchebag. And moto wives are far worse than moto military guys who cover their bumpers in every single sticker the base souvenir shop carries. They are the women who marry the moto military guys. In my experience, these women want to share each other's company simply to feel sorry for themselves and to create a twisted sense of competition for the title of "Best Military Wife Ever." They want to guilt you into babysitting their screaming children and force their fried chicken recipes on you. On a more serious note, they gossip about each other's husbands and only perpetuate feelings of inadequacy and paranoia. Your significant other may tell you certain things about his or her experience "over there" and keep other things from you--things he or she has judged, based on a deep understanding of you, too hard for you to handle. So, associating with the other wives in your significant other's squad or unit or what have you will allow for this sort of information to leak through. The moto wives and moto wife clubs are emotionally dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. Give them a fake number. Do not attend their pow-wows. If you are the joiner sort, find your own group of people to bond with. You do not need to be best friends with someone just because your partners are in the same unit.
7. Do NOT listen to country music.
Songs like Leann Rimes' (or Trisha Yearwood's) "How Do I Live," SheDaisy's "Come Home Soon," Carrie Underwood's "Just a Dream," and the Dixie Chicks' "Travelin" Soldier" will ruin your life forever. No matter where you are, what you are doing, or who you are standing in front of, you will burst into tears. Try to avoid inspirational, war-themed songs, books, movies, and TV shows. You will want to listen to, read, and watch them, but no good will come of it. Try to use these pastimes to escape your own head for awhile--keep it blithe. Less Army Wives, more One Tree Hill.
8. Keep track of things you want to do together when the deployment ends.
As much as you would like to simply stop time while the deployment carries on abroad, it won't happen. Movies come out, new restaurants open, the world keeps on turning (damn world!). Keep a running list of things that your significant other will miss while he or she is gone and things you want to wait to do together after the homecoming. It's a chance for a do-over. Of course, there will be a few things that you can't recreate, but having kept track of the things that you can metaphorically rewind time for will lessen the impact of being kept apart for so long.
9. Be honest with your family and friends.
The rest of your loved ones, try as they might, have no clue what you are going through--not if they have never been in love with someone who is fighting in a war. They are not going to understand if your behavior or mood changes during the deployment. They are not going to understand the fact that sometimes you do not want to talk about it or the war itself or politics for that matter. And they cannot be faulted for this. The best approach is to be open with them. If you want to spend the day locked in your apartment with two canisters of sour cream and onion Pringles, a bag of Oreos, and a two-liter of wild cherry Pepsi, then you need to tell them. As the wise Pink once said, "Sometimes it beez like that."
10. Realize things might change.
You circled a date in red marker and wrote "homecoming" in all capital letters. And then you get a notification that the deployment has been extended for a month or that there is a sandstorm and the planes to take the soldiers home will be delayed for a few days. The latter is actually what ended up happening in my situation. Which was terrible because I had already been unable to eat for over 96 hours and that additional 24 almost took me out. In my case, the guys came home only one day later than expected, but it varies. Sometimes the next unit that is scheduled to take over isn't ready or it's not safe to transition people out or some other reason that in reality is really important but in your head at the time it's bullshit. Plans can change, homecoming dates can change, and it is incredibly hard to not feel utterly defeated if and when they do. I know this because no one every mentioned this to me until the very last minute and then it was, "OH YEAH, by the way, the date has been moved!" Knowing that there is a possibility the date might change will do wonders to lessen the blow should you get one of those pesky phone calls telling you that you got your hair done and rescheduled an exam for nothing (yep, I did that, too. Well, not the hair. Just the exam. My hair is, of course, naturally perfect.). Just accept the facts and continue to focus on the date you were given until you are told otherwise.
Obviously, these are suggestions and they are open to interpretation. Maybe there are no moto wives in your area; maybe listening to "How Do I Live" doesn't make you cry. No matter what you do or don't do while you go through the deployment, the important thing is the most obvious: think positive. The stronger you are holding down the home front, the stronger your significant other will be on the war front. And just remember--the homecoming is nearer than you think. Deployments don't last forever. Otherwise, they'd be called "relocations."
November 2008
Table of Contents
Contributors
Bloggers
Editors' Blog
More from this issue's world section:
The Kosher Crisis: American Jews Take a Stand
"Jewish consumers know the animals were killed humanely because of the kosher seal on the label, but the scandal at Agriprocessors proves that a seal doesn’t tell us about how the animals lived, or about how the people packaging their koshered carcasses are treated."
The Indo-US civilian nuclear agreement: Are two countries gaining or is the world losing out?
"The Indo-US civilian nuclear agreement has far reaching consequences for India and America and for the much of the world as well, consequences that leaders must keep in mind during all future negotiations and transactions."